They Call Me Gloss

My grand scheme for this blog was to always have an interesting story to tell with every trip I take, no matter where I went, I would always try to make entertainment.
Well….Terre Haute did not come through for me (or was it that I did not come through for Terre Haute?)
I honestly don’t think my lack of story to tell stems from the fact that T.H. has nothing to do. It is a college town, I’m sure there could have been something for me to get into that would make for an interesting tale, but….it is after all Terre Haute



They Have Half Streets











The one thing that I can talk about (and some of you might think this will be TMI)
But I had a bit of a rash of dreams here in T.H.

I dream. Sometimes I remember the dream, sometimes I don’t, sometimes the dream is so emotional (good or bad) it lingers with me all day. I’m sure you all can understand that. At least one of you who read this blog doesn’t dream….or doesn’t remember dreaming. This I can’t understand. It boggles my widdle brwain. (thought I’d share that with you)

Anyway,
It began on the second leg of my trip to T.H. (as some may remember with this job…I’m on site for a month with a trip home after the second week)
So I’m the Chicago airport on my way to Indianapolis (T.H. doesn’t have an airport we can fly into) when a friend calls me. This friend is still employed with the old job and has been working diligently to get me hired back. To make a long story short this friend told me that there are a few people at the old job who are doing their level best to prevent me from ever coming back…and probably from ever eating lunch in this town again. In short, I (me) had enemies. (SHOCK AND HORROR)
But that the new boss in the old job would still take a call from me if I REALLY wanted to talk about coming back.
I told my friend thank you for the leg work but ‘bollocks to that’.

http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/b.htm

Thus began my trip into the emotional abyss that is self loathing. And not just self loathing, but total hatred of everything I ever did and have never done. All the stupid things I have ever said and all the ignorant things I do over and over again. I began to think that everything those enemies of mine said (what ever it could have been) was right. I was a bad worthless person. I thought about what they might of said, who they said it to and who ‘they’ actually were.
All sorts of scenarios about back stabbing, evil women who ate kittens and puppies in between their ‘power meetings’
Then I thought about my pathetic life.
I HATED myself. Truly and with a passion for the rest of the night.

I remember that night I had a good dream. (don’t remember what it was)
I remember waking up the next morning happy, until I realized that I had to wake up and be Meghan, live Meghan’s life that Meghan carved out for herself. (seriously people…I hated myself that much) I was instantly let down. Couldn’t I just live in that dream instead of my going-nowhere-life?

Now I don’t want you to think I am ready to jump…nothing of the sort. I was just in a funk for a few days. I’m better now. I realize I have ‘the American dream’ the house the car, a well-ish paying job, my health and the health of my loved ones.
Why I keep letting those petty, shallow, freakish, lying, venomous, backstabbing women rule my life…I will never understand. I’m pretty sure I exorcised those demons that night I think I am over all that now.

That whole self loathing trip got me thinking about my life. I’m about to turn 35. No husband nor children to speak of. Do I want a husband and children to speak about? Should I want a husband and children? If I did have a husband and children, what would I do with them? Should I continue to live in the Springs? There is nothing for me in the Springs (really) just my townhouse, but I could sell it or rent it out…that is no chain. I could move but to where and for what purpose. Sometimes choices cripple me. :)

Then I had a crazy dream I do remember.
We were being invaded by someone….aliens I think.(what ever really) I was hiding in a car. They found me. I begged them to have mercy because I was pregnant. I realized I was telling the truth. (in the dream) so I got myself to a hospital but I couldn’t give birth cause there was nothing to birth.

I can’t remember exactly how I felt when I woke up I think a little sad. I wondered if that was what a biological clock sounded like. Then I wondered if I just didn’t have gas. :)

I don’t know, this is a scary thing this life shit. I don’t really feel any real pressure to do any one thing when it comes to my life. But I feel I should be a better planner. I don’t want to be alone all my life, and I do like kids. Maybe I should just up my 401k contribution and call it a day.

O.K. So that is enough self reflection for a while….

You will find posted a calendar of my trips. I will do my best to keep it updated. I’m a little nervous about posting when I will be gone…but luckily I live in a little community. They watch my house for me